The subtle art of unbelonging to the self
Writing from the polarity of will and receiving
Individuation. Sovereignty. Personal power and choice. the Self. a deeper Inner knowing.
All expressions and concepts I abide by, and lived and experienced in depth, to spiral through the ladder of awareness and consciousness and to get to know and walk my soul’s path.
If you know Spiral Dynamics, it’s a very Yellow way of being, often misconstrued as selfishness or self-centeredness, or as the Orange consciousness. Emancipation from societal expectations, it is feared and misunderstood in many circles, while sold and promoted as the way forward by the coaching and spiritual world.
And in countless ways, it is. This type of individuation, sovereignty is rooted in the depths of truth, in the echoes of the soul, in higher wisdom that is never hurtful to the other or the world, putting the responsibility of our emotions, actions and paths into everyone’s own hands. It is a necessary step in consciousness, for all of us to get to know what lies deep within our own well, what we want in our lives, and how we can be in service to the world at large or to the community around us, without resentment, jealousy, anger, projections and expectations, and to allow for thriving individual and communities.
Stepping out of expectations, of labels, of roles, of shoulds to align with desire, wishes and inner wisdom always seemed like a beautiful pathway to me, not in a “I’ll do whatever I want kind of way”, but rather “I’ll flow this way in the now, and of course, I’ll let you flow your own way too, and if our paths align, for a moment, for a few hours, or for longer, then that’s beautiful.”
But there lies a contradiction too, or rather a clue towards the next stage of consciousness, that we can only catch if we know what we are looking for. And I didn’t see it till now. To get to these inner knowings, to these answers stemming from our core and our hearts, to find the foundations, the walls, the stairs, the roof and the heart of our sovereignty and personal power, we have to open up to something bigger than us and tap into the collective wisdom. Each and every time.
I rest in meditation to find peace, perhaps wisdom. You are called to look within to find what you truly want and you access it in silence, in nature, in introspection, by reaching to your own depths, only to find something bigger than you, beyond you, from which you bring back your truth. You connect to your intuition, inner voice, by finding solace in breath and in subtle sounds and energies. In nature, in sports, in being immersed in art, in insomnia, in silent solitude, ideas and knowings fall on us from the sky. I become empty, the hollow bone, to let myself be filled up by outer energies for shamanic connection, only to find myself, after loosing myself.
To get to sovereignty and our truth, we first have to loose ourselves in the oneness of it all, in the collective soul truth. Only for a few instants, at first, fleeting feeling and awareness, which will leave behind imprints and personal power. The instants last longer, are more recurring, and soon, it becomes a natural state of being and enquiry, letting you juggle between a channel to the collective and your own strand, thread of this very same collective.
The greatest ambiguity lies in that understanding, in that juggling, in tapping in both of those fields. You are a separate individual with their own path, and part of the whole, at every second, in every place, and they both constantly nourish each other. We learn and experience from that oneness, as we teach and play from an individual standpoint. Everything around us, everyone, every other is a mirror of the self, and the selves are a mirror of the collective consciousness.
This letter, those reflections, come from a week of grappling with the idea of unbelonging to yourself, and the inner and outer conflicts that come with it. This is the experience of one of my character in my novel, The Antarctic Bridge, where she reflects upon the overwhelming fullness of her life and how, the more she moves in life, the more she “unbelongs” to herself, an experience that can be found in love, in childbearing, in work, in art or countless things we endeavour. We crave it, this return to the source, and we fear and reject it, wanting to keep the boundaries of our selves.
This led me to think about my art and writing process, and the book I have been carrying with me for two and a half years now. Its idea fell on me while I was walking in my volcanic garden in Edinburgh. I nurtured it for a few weeks, before diving in and writing it completely intuitively, not knowing what was the story about or how it would end. I had to open to the collective, to be a hollow bone, to empty myself to receive the story. And, I had to be full of myself and my soul too at the same time, for the story to be personal, and it is greatly personal. And still, in the editing process, although it’s harder for me to notice, there is a dance of both. I apply my will, my knowledge of language, of the world, of storytelling and of the story onto each draft, but I leave space for the unknown, as new ideas and inspiration can only come in doing so. This unbelonging concept came from that opening.
This polarity reflects holistically the concepts ofYin and Yang, and the balance to be found within ourselves, in relationships, in the world and therefore in art, between a masculine energy of applying one’s will and individuality onto the world, and a feminine energy of opening to receive from the depths of the unknown.
My novel is about Oneness, and it’s no surprise - as within, so without - that it should be written and experienced as such, in oneness with the world. And I have done so, feeling into the past and future, letting the world coagulate into each piece I was working on, letting myself be taken over by the story.
In writing, in art, we need to learn to unbelong to ourselves and be ok with it. I have, and will again, unbelong to myself while writing this novel, the next ones, in my personal life and in my shamanic practice. And that’s ok. As much as we need to learn to belong to ourselves and be sovereign beings. It’s a dance, it’s a polarity, it goes hand in hand, none of it being possible without the other.
Woken up once more at dawn, I know this piece of writing wanted to pour through. I sulked for a bit, but I sat with it. The collective consciousness came knocking forcibly, at the perfect time for my inner writer, in the silence and summer light of the early hours. I could fight with my own will, or simply surrender and receive, for creation to be born in collaboration with something bigger than me. And as usual, although I’m exhausted at only 6am, I’m happy I did.
Writing is a subtle alchemy, and for once in my life, I try not to question the recipe.
With love and gratitude,
xx
Lucie
I’m started to read Creating Consciousness, by Albert Low, in which he will tackle this matter. I’m excited to dive in.
This is the page to keep updated about my writing and books.
Have you ever felt this unbelonging in your creative process? How do you welcome it? How do you work and co-create with it?